Befriending the Beast: An Artist’s Journey with Rage
Visual creator Eric Dean confronts and redefines masculinity through raw, visceral artistry.
Me channeling my inner wolf—the background imagery for my latest piece Rage In Portraiture.
The Beast first revealed himself through my dad. I swear the whole house would tremble when his rage switch flipped on. Though never directed at anyone, his voice would get so loud and big, and I felt so small, retreating to my room until the storm had passed. In those rare moments, my jovial, easy-going dad became unrecognizable, a la Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He had not learned to befriend his Beast, so my dad was controlled by him.
I soon found a Beast of my own. In grade school, he asserted himself in soccer: he was my competitive flame, setting me apart as a fierce athlete. Yet when things didn’t go my way, the Beast funneled me into tantruming and acting aggressively. I vividly remember the heavy weight of shame that hung over me whenever the Beast was fully unleashed. The energy of my parents and other onlookers made it clear he was unwelcome. So I learned to hide the Beast away. He was not allowed to play anymore.
I continued playing soccer competitively through high school, but I wasn’t the same without the Beast. The fire he kindled was absent, which made me shrink under the pressures of hypermasculine competition. Coaches under the grip of their Beasts saw my timidness as weakness. Their criticisms and sidelining felt like venom, like I was being stabbed repeatedly, for years.
Without the Beast, I had no armor, no voice. I absorbed my coaches’ verbal blows, not knowing how to stand up for myself. It wasn’t until a coach shamed me for my performance in front of my entire team that a hint of fire came back online. Crying to my dad on the long car ride home, I finally told him I was done. I quit.
16 years later, the Beast has reawakened. In therapy, with trusted friends, and on the artistic canvas, my rage has been given space to stretch his stiff limbs and roar. He is no longer an object of shame, but a source of power—a power that is protective and playful rather than volatile and hurtful.
Right: Eric’s latest piece, Rage In Portraiture—an artistic snapshot of Eric’s vital relationship with the primal energy of rage. Learn more about the piece.
Click any image below for a closer look
While the unrecognized Beasts of my dad and coaches were limited to lashing out, my Beast, nurtured and fully seen, has become a versatile ally. He is now my guardian when boundaries need to be enforced; my focused intensity when downhill mountain biking; my untamed self-expression on the dance floor; and my creative flame that gives life to heart-centered art.
My latest piece, Rage In Portraiture (learn more), was born from a video/self-portrait session where I channeled my Beast (see above). Nestled in a rocky alcove in Flagstaff, AZ, I invited the presence of a wolf to take over my body. I snarled, howled, crouched, and lunged, letting the energy of rage morph into an animalistic display of life force, a primal state that was both fierce and fun.
From those five minutes of wildness came 56 self-portraits that frame the wolf in Rage In Portraiture. The interplay between human figures and the predator captures the allyship between my rational consciousness and the primal force of rage. The piece is visceral and raw, yet balanced and controlled, reflecting how I’ve learned to commune with this emotion.
As a primarily digital artist, it feels juicy to bring an embodied dimension to my work. When I live and breathe the characters of my art, the finished products are infused with a unique, fleshy signature. Integrating the digital and physical through my creations is the perfect complement to the harmonizing of intellect and instinct taking place in my being.
Young Eric would be thrilled to know he no longer has to hide his Beast.
What has your experience of the Beast been like? How do you relate to rage in yourself and others?
I’d love to hear from you!
Eric Dean
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Eric Dean is a seer, artist, guide, and psychotherapist who works and plays in the mountains of Flagstaff, AZ. Eric feels most alive when facilitating co-creative journeys that he transforms into custom art pieces. Earthy and spiritual, Eric finds joy in ecstatic dance, music circles, mountain biking, snowboarding, bouldering, and other adventures with friends.
